It’s that time of the year where in India, the wedding preparations in many homes would take a full swing with only a quarter of a year to go for the big fat Indian wedding season. It’s this period where you would see families rushing here and there for the final stretch. While some families would have it all figured out, some would still be making their final calls. Given the grandiose nature of Indian weddings and the amount of organization dexterity it requires, it’s not hard to imagine that at these times, if the couple getting married is extremely busy in deciding what they want to wear, how they want to look, how they want the things to be on the D-day while spending these some final moments knowing the person more and better to whom they are going to commit themselves for the whole life may take a back seat. Some may argue that the commitment and knowing the other person would have happened long time back when they first got engaged then why think now? Well, you know how life is, it changes, people change, their behaviors change, for good or for bad but it changes. And in the bigger scheme of things, we miss to realize these small gradual changes. The initial rosy meetings, those initial moments however romantic they were, do reflect some kind of an effort, honest or otherwise, on the part of both the guy and the girl. Slowly, as the feeling that you are with someone sinks in, you either change yourself or your true comfort zone comes out. Some of those little significant things you did for making the other person feel good about you starts to become a task. You may itch for a break from something that has become a routine now. Not that its bad, you obviously want to be true to yourself as much as possible and be sane but at the same time don’t want your flaws to move you away from the person you’ve come to love since that first spark. It’s that point in your life where the connect is still there but may be its taken away that time away from you which you spent on your own and may be you have not got used to this change just yet. I know the brides and grooms know each other well and probably still do so each day hopefully. But if you ask them what they have learned new about their partner today, they may find hard to articulate it but the moment you ask them what’s happening on the preparations, they will go on about it for next 30 mins. It’s funny to me. I don’t say I behaved differently though, but that’s our culture you see. Marriages in India are big, are like a festival. Yes, sure they are but should they happen at the cost of diverting your time and energy to something that’s going to last one day? Or should you rather have that time and energy spend on knowing the other person better which is going to impact you your whole life? If you were to mask this situation and remove marriage out of it and instead say it’s an investment for the whole life where there is most likely no backing out and ask any sane person to choose, he or she is likely to choose the 2nd option. Think about it. I am confused by the way our society works. I wish things were simpler and may be more focused on couple getting married vs. focusing on looking & behaving like celebrities and calling 1000+ folks to your wedding, 75% of whom you have never met before and are sure to never meet again in this lifetime.
Anyway, given this situation which our culture and we put ourselves in; it’s bound to create some tough situations after marriage. Not saying that if you had known person for like a decade then such situations won’t come up. They still would and there is no escape from this – we all know it and this conflict is an integral part of human nature. In fact, these situations may also happen before marriage. However, the focus should then be on how can you minimize them and keep them at a level that does not destroy your happiness? What Archita and I have learned so far is that in these situations, we ought to remember that we have married a human being. A human who is same as us, who is as fallible and flawed as us. Their faults could be different than ours but they are still faults. Don’t expect the other person to always understand you and don’t doubt his or her intentions. Have a discussion and don’t let it turn into an argument. Remember, you are also in this as much as he or she is. However, simple this may sound; you will still fail to see it that way once the situation comes to your own door (ask me about it :)). The best thing to do in these situations is to be objective and behave without any bias. Ego has no place in the marriage but at the same time it does not cost you your self-identity. No situation and no person will ask for a change in your identity as asking about it would mean they want to change your true nature. The same nature that made them fall in love with you and commit them to you. Unless, you have painted a completely different picture and set different expectations then no one can save you.
So, apart from investing time in knowing the other person more and better, the critical piece is being true to yourselves and to the other person right from the beginning all the way through and at the same time making flexibility (not same as compromise) a part of your efforts to grow together in the relationship. Keep calm and leave the rest to your karma.
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